I needed to write two letters. I’ve been stalling on it and making excuses because it’s two hard letters that I couldn’t bring myself to write. I knew I was not in the right space yet but I’ve been trying my best to get there.
Getting there meant trying to pin down why these were so hard to write and I found more questions.
Why is it that a couple of negative events make us forget all the good ones? Why does a negative event discredit all the good ones before it? Why does a single negative experience turn us so resentful?
It’s been weeks since I’ve been mulling over these. I sat with the uncomfortable. I let myself be hurt, angry, nonchalant and I thought once I got those out, I’ll be in the right space - seeing past through these negative events and return to being grateful.
So I wrote all the things that I was sincerely grateful for and all the things that I was being resentful for.
Looking at the list, I could see that the Grateful list was a lot and the Resentful list was way shorter. And yet, when I read them, the Resentful list always brought about the strongest emotions in me.
Why is that?
I forced myself to write one. It was physically painful to do so but I did. Have I sent it? No. I don’t feel I should just yet. There’s still something missing. It feels forced. What do I expect right? But that exercise helped me though.
I can write it. I can be grateful in spite of the resentment. Look, there is no wonderful catharsis in this post. I really don’t have the answers to all my questions and I don’t know what to tell you.
Maybe that’s okay, for now. It’s okay to not have all the answers right away.
I’ll let you know what happens. If you have any similar experience, I’m all ears and heart.